


Ice Cream and Band-aids

by Kyunesphere



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Childhood Friends, Feelings Realization, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:48:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24139150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyunesphere/pseuds/Kyunesphere
Summary: Changkyun revolves around Kihyun and Kihyun does the same. The problem is, both of them are too blind to see.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 8
Kudos: 398





	1. Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I hope you will like this story, it's probably will have 3 chapters and I plan to update weekly.  
> Kudos and comments are very welcomed.  
> I will come back later to see grammar errors that slipped out of my notice.  
> Have fun!!

_“Ouch.”_

  
Changkyun snapped his head to the voice in surprise because he was so into his book and didn’t hear any footstep coming to his way. When he reads he gets captivated by the book’s story so much and totally forgets about the outer world going on. Once he tripped from three steps and scratched his knees because he couldn’t stop reading his book and that made Kihyun so angry. If a person could explode due to anger, that would be Kihyun right at that moment. Changkyun didn’t get hurt too badly, he just scratched his knees and ripped his jeans but still Kihyun made him sit and wait until he got medicine from infirmary, and he didn’t let Changkyun walk home, instead he carried the younger. Changkyun was okay but Kihyun was insistent. Because that’s the thing, he’s too overprotective over Changkyun. Sometimes he goes overboard. Okay he may have a point too because another time Changkyun almost fell in a pit because he was about to learn the killer’s identity and the sentences were flowing, he didn’t realize the pit. But still… it’s burdensome sometimes.

  
Not that Changkyun doesn’t like it when Kihyun gets all attentive, scolding him. He likes to feel cared, especially by Kihyun. Maybe that’s why he keeps doing this, reading while he’s walking. Even though Kihyun banned Changkyun from reading book as he walks, only allowing him to do that with the condition of him sit somewhere safe, excluding swingers and bicycle, he still does it. Changkyun agreed to do as Kihyun said, reading books when his butt glued to some solid ground. With little exceptions. For example when he walks to law department to pick Kihyun up and go to lunch together, he satisfies his guilty pleasure. The way to the building is flat, made with stones so Changkyun freely read his Killing The Mockingjay as he mindlessly walked. It’s a project of Kihyun actually. Watch the book’s movie and examine it, considering the circumstances and era. That’s Kihyun’s work… and Changkyun’s actually. Since they always spend time together, they watch Kihyun’s homeworks like this together as well. And after watching this one, Changkyun being a book nerd, he wanted to read the book. He already knew how the story unfolded so he knew what he should be expecting but he wasn’t expecting to be this engrossed with the words, enough to not realize he was about to bump into something. More accurately, someone. If Changkyun didn’t bury his nose into the book, he could have seen the guy in front of him before he crashed him. But he didn’t. So he crashed.

  
Changkyun lifted his head to the person he bumped and froze for a second. A guy with a small smile, cheekbones visible, a very charming guy, a very tall guy was standing in front of him. He was looking confused despite the amused look on his face. His brown hair was tucked behind his ears, he had bright eyes and a very handsome face. One of the most handsome guys Changkyun have ever seen. He had a very good body too. His gray shirt was wrapping his muscles well, so well, Changkyun could almost see the veins on his chest. His jacket was tied around his waist, their school’s jacket. So from that, Changkyun deduced that he must be from the sports department. That explained why he was looking so damn fine.

  
Changkyun bowed his head immediately when he realized he was staring, saying he was sorry, he didn’t see the guy standing there. The guy laughed and waved his hand saying it’s okay. His laughing was so cute. His smile was so cute. It was stupidly cute. He had the size of a refrigerator but his smile was soft, unexpectedly, and his laugh made Changkyun’s stomach giddle.

  
“I’m really sorry.” Changkyun apologized again, didn’t know what else to say. He was the one who bumped the guy, not the other way around but he was so loss at words.

  
“It’s okay.” The guy smiled again. “Aren’t you friends with Hoseok hyung? I think I saw you a few times?” The guy asked out of the blue, tilting his head a little.

  
He knew Hoseok so he’s from sports department, Changkyun was right.

  
“Yes.” Changkyun replied with a nod. “I suppose you are too.”  
  


The guy nodded, biting his cheek.  
  


“By the way this is my favorite shirt.” The guy pursed his lips and placed his hands on his hips with a shrug. Changkyun’s eyebrows pulled together in confusion. His eyes did dart to guy’s shirt to see if there was any damage on it. There were no drinks in both their hands so there were no dirt, splash mark of anything on the fabric either.  
  


“It’s just a basic gray shirt.” Changkyun replied, tilting his head with curiousity.  
  


“Yes it is.” The guy nodded happily with a shrug. “You know what? Since you are Hoseok hyung’s friend, I’ll let you get away with a coffee. I’ll be waiting at starbucks just out of the campus. Shall we say 2?”  
  


“What?” Changkyun asked, brain too slow to catch what was going on.  
  


“Starbucks just outside of the campus, coffee, 2.” The guy summarized with a smile, holding up his two fingers.  
  


Changkyun was surprised. “Uh… I—I don’t…  
  


“Okay, then we’ll continue later. See you at 2.” The guy blinked cutely with a smile. The kind of melts your heart in a milisecond. And before Changkyun could say anything he left. Not that Changkyun was going to perform any sentences because he was too baffled with the situation and how it rolled, his mind couldn’t come up with anything that he could call a proper ‘reply’.  
After standing there probably longer than normal, “Changkyunie!” he heard Kihyun calling him. He turned his head, seeing Kihyun standing at the entrance, waving at him. His messy purple hair was swaying as he walked towards the younger. Long forgetting about what happened just before, Changkyun was walking towards the elder without noticing. If Kihyun was there, his body would just act on it’s will. When Kihyun was there, nothing else was important.  
  


“Who was that guy you were talking with?” Kihyun asked when they met in the middle and Changkyun stepped out of his moment of adoring Kihyun. He took a glance at a few meters away, the place he and that guy was talking.  
  


“Just a friend.” He shrugged.  
  


“What kind of a friend? He was looking like a student from the sports department all bulky and stuff.” Kihyun pursed his lips, lines on his forehead appeared. “Do we know anyone from there? Jackson? No, he was in the water engineering. Maybe we can ask Mark.”  
  


“Why are you so curious hyung?” Changkyun scoffed, scratching his temple.  
  


“You say he’s your friend but I’ve never seen you talking with him, or about him.” Kihyun said, his eyebrows pulled together in confusion. “I’m just curious.”  
  


“I just met him.” Changkyun giggled, rolling his eyes to the elder. “Oh god your hair is a mess. C’mere.” Changkyun pulled Kihyun’s arm to stop them from walking. They stood under the cherry blossom tree, the one Changkyun liked to read under while he waited for Kihyun.  
  


“You just met him? How?” Kihyun asked as he leaned towards Changkyun when Changkyun leaned forward him to comb his hair back with his fingers. Kihyun’s hair was a mess, he must have pulled it a lot at the class, out of habit. A bad habit if you ask Changkyun. When Kihyun’s focused on something he would keep play with his strands, saying that gesture just takes his edge off. He’d normally fix his hair before he walk out of the class but sometimes he’s just too pensive. Thankfully Changkyun was always there to check how he looked.  
  


Changkyun fixed Kihyun’s hair at best, trying to surpass how his soft hair moved like silk under his fingers and how his heart did hurt a little when he retreated after it’s done. Kihyun took Changkyun’s book from him and put it in his bag, holding his bag’s straps out.  
  


“So spill. Who is the guy? Where did you meet him? How did you meet him? Do I need to kick his ass?” Kihyun asked, insisting.  
  


“Don’t talk with the kid like you are his mom Ki, you always do that.” Hyunwoo who came out of no where bumped his shoulder to Kihyun’s. Kihyun rolled his eyes to the other one, rubbing his shoulder.  
  


“I’m not—“ He started and they fell into an argument, one that made Changkyun feel, he was left out even though the topic was him.  
  


His ‘Hi Hyunwoo hyung.’ Greeting got lost between their talk. Changkyun avoided the conversation that was rolling between them, trying not to involve much.  
  


Kihyun was his best friend since forever and tall, tanned, handsome Hyunwoo was Kihyun’s classmate for a year and a half. Or maybe just mate. Changkyun didn’t know the exact relationship between them. He saw them a few times together, hands brushing, eyes locking. Sometimes Kihyun would say Hyunwoo was coming over to do homework or some project for a class. Sometimes he stayed over and when he stayed over, Changkyun preferred to sleep the night away with Minhyuk and Hyungwon, two floors down. He didn’t know the extend of Kihyun and Hyunwoo’s relationship, but he had some guesses because seeing Kihyun who likes to sleep windows open even during winter, wear long sleeved shirts in early spring gave him some ideas. But still, Changkyun didn’t want to chase his suspicions and crust them with reality, helping them to become real. So no, Changkyun didn’t know. And he definitely didn’t want to know. Because the swift pain in his chest, the possibilities were already hurting him enough.  
  


“Anyway,” Hyunwoo rolled his eyes, turning to Changkyun who was silent. “We don’t have classes after lunch, so we’ll be going to bowling later Changkyun. Wanna come?” He asked, ignoring the sharp daggers thrown by Kihyun’s eyes to stab him, probably because Hyunwoo interfered his talk with the younger. Kihyun did that a lot, acting overly protective of him. It’s like a some kind of duty to Kihyun, taking care of Changkyun. Even though they’re friends, Kihyun always acted like Changkyun was something precious, something to be treated gently. Maybe it’s because of his dad’s words to Kihyun, the ones he told the very first day Changkyun came to college.  
  


“You are his hyung Kihyun, I trust him with you. If you wouldn’t be studying here, I wouldn’t send him to study in another city.” His father said, patting on Kihyun’s shoulder when they came to drop his belongings into their shared house.  
  


Maybe that’s why Kihyun always pried around him.  
  


Changkyun hated it though. He wasn’t a child. He wasn’t someone to be wrapped in bubbles and put away until he fade away with no one to notice him.  
  


Changkyun shook his head, he didn’t want them to take him to bowling because he really did hate to be the third wheel. Besides he definitely didn’t want to see them flirt in front of his eyes. His mind was too occupied with this already. So maybe he could use a distraction. Coffee could be nice. Maybe meeting with new people wasn’t a bad thing. Kihyun met many new people. Hyunwoo for example. It’s time for Changkyun to meet new people.  
  


“No… Umm… I have a promise to someone.” He said, clearing his throat.  
  


And that’s how Johnny entered Changkyun’s life.

\\*******/

  
  
“It’s been a week. Come on Kyunnie. You have to go out.” Kihyun says, hugging Changkyun. At least he tries to hug the younger because he cocooned himself with the blanket again. Kihyun really regrets buying a big blanket now.  
  


First two days Changkyun cried non stop. He cried when he woke up because he didn’t have Johnny’s arms around him. He cried as Kihyun washed his face with delicate touches, water was cold but it wasn’t enough to put out the fire burning inside him. He cried when Jooheon tried to get him something to eat. He dragged himself to bed, Kihyun’s bed, back and cried some more asking why did that happen, why did this happen to him.  
  


Kihyun and Jooheon never left his side. They took turns to stay with him, Kihyun was mostly the one who was there. Changkyun was clinging his friend like a koala all the time, his presence was too soothing. Addictive. Honestly Changkyun didn’t care if he was being extra clingy or not. He knew he was being selfish, asking all his attention to himself but he didn’t care. Kihyun was too caring as always after all. He cooked meals to Changkyun, washed him, petted Changkyun’s hair until he knocked himself to sleep after his body got too exhausted due to all that cry. Changkyun can’t bring himself to admit that the pain in his chest lulled after a while but seeing how Kihyun is around him, more than ever, makes him selfishly want more.  
  


It’s been a week since Johnny and Changkyun broke up and it doesn’t look like things are going well for Changkyun. Changkyun knows that Kihyun thinks he should get over this heartbreak but as long as he stays at home and throws self pity parties, he won’t get over and move on soon. Probably that’s why he’s too persuasive about this party, one of his classmate Yoongi is throwing.  
  


“I don’t wanna go alone. Pleaseeeeee.” Kihyun swings left to right with the blanket he is hugging. He’s trying to convince Changkyun for thirty minutes and hopes it will work.  
Changkyun thinks in darkness, he wrapped himself too well to the blanket, it’s almost suffocating. He knows Kihyun is trying to cheer him up, he knows his friend is worried about him. And he also knows due to his hysteric actions Kihyun couldn’t find a chance to relax. His selfish behaviors for the past few days bugs Changkyun. He knows Kihyun won’t go if he won’t go. So to pay him back, Changkyun can at least go to the party and let Kihyun have fun because he deserves that.  
  


After a few moments of silence, “Fine.” The bundle replies and Kihyun peels the covers off from the younger happily. He holds Changkyun by the arms and makes him sit on the bed before he goes his wardrobe for clothes.  
  


Half an hour later they sit on a couch at the middle of a foreign room, at a foreign house.  
Kihyun next to Changkyun, wears his famous dark green shirt, the one causes him to look like an alligator. His now dark brown hair styled back, dark grey skinny jeans wrapping his legs all too well, the hint of eyeliner is captivating. He looks amazing.  
  


Changkyun knows he looks good too because Kihyun dressed him, with a soft beige sweater and black ripped jeans. And Changkyun complemented his look with his black leather jacket. His blond hair keeps falling on his eyes and Changkyun keeps fixing it but his hair is short to tuck it behind his ear so it doesn’t work very well.  
  


Changkyun gets up from the couch he was sitting for the past twenty minutes when Kihyun doesn’t come back after he said he’ll refresh their drinks. He eyes the room, trying to find the way to kitchen but he’s never came to this house so he doesn’t know which direction to go. He pushes away some people, eyes still scanning around for green shirt. That’s when he sees the guy he never wants to see again, at the entrance of the house, talking with a girl Changkyun doesn’t know. Johnny wears a white top and a black shirt on it along with black jeans. His hair falls to his eyes, adding cuteness to his sexy aura. Changkyun bites inside his cheeks, feeling the fury in his lungs starting to flicker. He should find Kihyun and go away from here as soon as possible and as far as possible. He really has no desire to talk with this guy.  
  


He turns away, eyes searching for Kihyun still when he feels a hand on his elbow. Changkyun let’s out a breath, clenching his fists before he turns.  
  


“You didn’t reply any of my messages.” Johnny says, throwing a shy smile. He probably thinks it will work. His voice is soft, warm like honey. If Changkyun doesn’t know the reason, he would fall for his sweetness.  
  


Johnny did text all week, saying how sorry if he hurt Changkyun. He said he love Changkyun and only Changkyun, that girl was a total mistake. Changkyun tried to ignore the curiosity clawing his ribs and avoided looking at any of the messages. And failed, of course.  
Changkyun throws Johnny an angry look, shaking his arm to free from him. “Let go.”  
  


“I will, if you talk with me.” Johnny says, hand still around Changkyun’s arm and Changkyun let’s out a sigh nodding his head and let Johnny led him to upstairs. Johnny finds an empty guestroom for them to talk privately.  
  


Changkyun moves away from him when he is inside and out of his grasp, wrapping his arms around his middle. “I have nothing to say to you.”  
  


“But I have. Please just please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you this much.” Johnny says with honest eyes. “I didn’t think breaking up would upset you so much.”  
  


“Who wouldn’t be upset over someone who broke up with them saying they cheated on them?” Changkyun shakes his head in disbelief.  
  


Johnny huffs, looking down. “It’s not like that. It was nothing Kyun you know that.”  
  


Tears start to brim in Changkyun’s eyes. It’s so annoying. What is there to cry about? It’s over. They are over. Changkyun bites his lips, he doesn’t wish to cry and look weak before this guy. “If your stupid, useless conversation is over, I’ll be going. Kihyun hyung will wonder about me, he will come to look.” Changkyun says, holding his hands up in the air in a defensive way as he goes to the door.  
Johnny catches his wrist, pinning him against the door. “He was talking with Hyunwoo hyung, they were kissing I guess?” He tilts his head. “I doubt he will look for you any time soon.”  
  


“Kihyun hyung… with…” Changkyun trails off, his eyes stinging more and more.  
  


Johnny continues to talk, whispering how sorry he is but all Changkyun can feel is, how he can’t breathe. He feels like he is drowning, like he’s just centimeters from the surface but running out of air too fast. He can’t swim up, he can’t reach out. His heart is beating a tattoo in his chest and he realizes he’s panting shallowly but he can’t do anything against it. He feels Johnny’s eyes on him but keeps staring at his shoes, thinking if he doesn’t look up, if he doesn’t listen to a word he is saying it’s not real. Changkyun just can shut him out if he closes himself to him. He can shut anything out.  
  


“I’m so sorry Changkyun I regret breaking up with you. I thought you didn’t care about me. That’s why I did it.” Johnny says with puppy eyes. “I can see, I was wrong.”  
  


“That’s not it. Let me go.” Changkyun says with a shaky voice as he tries to breathe and when he does, Johnny’s scent fills his nose, travels all the way to his lungs. Pine and wood. Very fresh, very earthy. Enough to keep Changkyun grounded who swallows the heavy lump in his throat, heart beating fast and feels like he is floating. Alcohol mixed with Johnny’s scent, a very deadly combination.  
  


“I heard you hooked up with an upperclassman two days later we broke up.” Changkyun says with an angry expression. He tries to gain his fury back. But he knows he is slipping.  
  


“It didn’t mean anything. You know it didn’t mean anything. You are my whole world, just like I’m yours. You remember what we talked right? I told you I would be there for you always. And look, I’m here for you. I’m really sorry baby. You know I’m sorry.” Johnny says, getting a little closer to the younger.  
  


Changkyun’s heart soars with pain. His heart is dust and it hurts so much. He wants to see Johnny in pain too just as he is. It’s not his apologizes that he wants. He definitely didn’t wish to hear his voice too but here they are. He tries to push Johnny away when he wraps his arms around him but he knows it’s a vain attempt. Johnny is build as a sofa and he doesn’t even budge when Changkyun tries to push him away.  
  


“Let go you fucker.” Changkyun says when Johnny holds his cheek with his soft hand. Damn his skin is too soft despite he has calluses in his palm thanks to his hours in the gym. “Let me go Johnny.”  
  


“I missed you. I missed you I’m sorry.” Johnny says and presses his lips on Changkyun’s. Changkyun let’s out a gasp, mind going back before he can do anything. You see, the trick with their situation is that Johnny cheated on while Changkyun was in love with him. And still, he loves the guy no matter how hard he tried to ignore that. It’s stupid, idiotic, maniac.  
  


But now Changkyun doesn’t care. He was a mess for the whole week. He didn’t deserve any of this. He didn’t deserve to feel like shit. He wants to wreck Johnny, make him beg to himself, make him suffer but also he wants to be with him.

And that’s why he stops pushing Johnny away and holds his shoulders tight, pulling him to himself. His lips move with Johnny’s, their tongues immediately finding each other as their hands grab at each other’s bodies. As much as he tried not to think, oh god he did miss this. How can Changkyun had forgotten how fucking amazing this feeling was? He squeezes the firm muscles under his hands, in his palm and feels them rippling under his touch. They are hard, so hard.

The kiss turns a lot hot and desperate and Johnny, stronger as ever, pulls Changkyun to the couch next and flips him over. The coach is soft beneath Changkyun, he feels he is digging in. They strain against each other as they kiss, Changkyun’s shirt off before he has even realized. Johnny moves his hand down to the bulge in Changkyun’s jeans, palming it rapidly before unzipping his fly. Changkyun let’s him takes his jeans off and hurriedly undoes Johnny’s fly, pulling his jeans down forcefully. Within seconds they are both naked, flush against each other, their cocks leaking as they rub together. Panting, Johnny pulls away for a moment, looks down at the boy below him. “Fuck, Changkyun, you are so fucking hot,” he gasps. “Nothing on you, Kyun, you are so fucking beautiful. So beautiful.” Johnny says, crashing their lips together again, and seizing Changkyun’s cock in the same movement. Changkyun gasps, shock waves running through his body as Johnny starts to move his hand swiftly. He’s knows he’s not going to last long if this keeps up.

“I’m sorry. Forgive me. You are a good person. I know you’ll forgive me.” Johnny says, pressing hard kisses down to his neck with each word.

“Shut up.” Changkyun says with a hoarse voice and moans as Johnny takes his cock and his own cock in his large hand and starts to pump them vigorously. Changkyun is incredibly hard, precome leaking from the tip as he feels the familiar churning in the base of his stomach begin. He shivers with his cock rubbing to Johnny’s rock solid one. He starts to shake, his thighs bucking involuntarily around Johnny. He suddenly bucks forward violently, swearing loudly as he feels himself release on Johnny’s hand. He digs in the couch when Johnny spills in his hand too. He collapses on to the floor next to Changkyun and they both gasp for air.

The moment of bliss passes in seconds and turn into regret, shame and anger fast. Too fast if you ask Changkyun. He feels his stomach turn, his mouth tastes bitter. Alcohol and leftovers of his minimum amount of lunch threatens to get out. He gets up fast, ignoring the dizziness and headache saying hello, he gathers his clothes and wears his pants and shirt in quick moves.

“I knew you would forgive me.” Changkyun hears the boy on the floor say with a smile and his blood boils in his veins. He turns to him with eyes throwing bolts from their orbits.

“Forgive you? Who? I never said that. Fuck you Johnny. You broke my heart. Do you think I’ll allow you to enter in again? Don’t ever, ever come near me. Do you understand?” He says hitting his hand on the head of the couch as if he wants to emphasize what he is saying.

Johnny’s expression turns into a shock. He sits up, locks eyes with Changkyun. “But you just had sex with me. What was that all about?”

“This wasn’t sex.” Changkyun let’s out a breath. His eyes flash with anger, his jaw clenching. “This was a mistake and it will never happen again. Do you understand me? I don’t want to see you anymore. I’m serious.”

Johnny gets up from the floor, throwing his hands to his sides. “Oh come on. You know I love you. You know I do. Can’t we just forget and move on?”

“What? Forget?” Changkyun snaps. “What the fuck are you talking about? You cheated on me you asshole!”

“Oh please. You talk about cheating?” Johnny runs his hand through his hair, anger is bubbling Changkyun can see it. He snickers. “Like you wouldn’t sleep with Kihyun if you had a chance.”

Changkyun’s mouth hangs open, eyes burning a lot. “What are you talking about?”

“You think I don’t know about your crush to him? I’m a man Changkyun, I know how your eyes shine when you look at the person you love. I know that because I look at you like that and knowing that you don’t look at me the same way, makes me feel fucking sad. Do you understand? I’m the one next to you but all you see is him.” Johnny says, shaking his head roughly. He looks at Changkyun, taking a step towards him. “I felt… I felt like I wasn’t enough. Maybe that’s why I slipped.” He says with a huff. “But it was just one time okay? It won’t happen again.” Johnny says rubbing his hands up and down on Changkyun’s shoulders.

“You are talking nonsense.” Changkyun scoffs, shaking his head. It’s not true.

“I’m sorry.” Johnny says. “I’m sorry he is too blind to see you baby but I see you. You know I’m always here. I will be here.” Johnny smiles in an assuring way, trying to wrap his arms around the younger and for a moment Changkyun let’s him but then he pushes him from the chest, causing him to tumble a few step back.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” Changkyun says angry and frustrated. “Don’t you ever come near me. Never, Johnny. Don’t.” He says aggressively, finding the door knob and turn it.

\\*******/

Kihyun saw Changkyun cry many times. More than he can count and more than he wish to count. That time when he was five, he fell from the couch while he was sleeping. He cried so much. Kihyun rushed to the drawer, pulling his Batman band aids and plastered on Changkyun’s forehead. When they were racing bicycles he crashed a trash bin when he was eleven. Again he cried so much. Kihyun tried to cheer him up, bought him the biggest con of ice cream. When he lost his mother at seventeen, he cried and Kihyun cried with him silently because some hurts can’t be soothed by ice cream and Batman band aids.

Some things changed, some things remained same and Kihyun was always there. _Always._

This time too.

Kihyun rushed to the bundle of sheets and shook it with concern. When he heard a whimper, he pulled the covers away and found Changkyun crying. A lot. His eyes were swollen, his face was red, not pink but red. Tears and snot mixed together. It should have look gross to anybody else but not to Kihyun. Not with him. He sat down immediately trying to wipe the wetness from younger’s face with his sleeves but Changkyun threw his arms around him wordlessly, clasping his shirt from behind, real tight. Kihyun wrapped his arms around him with an instinct then, and pulled him towards his body.

“Kyunnie...” He called out but he didn’t know what to say next. So he just hugged the younger tightly as he cried and cried. He pressed kisses to Changkyun’s mess blond locks, the one he dyed a few nights ago. He didn’t know what to say so he just hugged the younger.

Johnny... He was always smiling. He was a kind person, always acted nice to Kihyun. He was tall, muscles real big and firm but he couldn’t even hurt a butterfly. Still there were things that quite didn’t fit with Kihyun. He always felt disturbed when he saw Johnny with Changkyun. When he casually held Changkyun’s hand as they walk. When he fed Changkyun with popcorn when they were watching movies. Whenever his hand casually slide up and down from Changkyun’s spine and Changkyun smiled shyly and buried his face in Johnny’s tanned neck as they dance at the only gay club in their town. When he pressed his lips on Changkyun’s soft ones when he thought no one was looking. Disturbing as hell but Kihyun thought it’s because he knew Changkyun since he was a kid. The real reason behind his annoyance didn’t down on Kihyun, not until he saw one morning Johnny coming out of Changkyun’s room. Wake-up call, you can say. That was Kihyun’s wake-up call.

It was a late one. Because he had no time to figure his feelings and even if he did, Changkyun was with someone else. So he let go. Deciding it is useless to try and hold them, let them grow. Deciding it will only hurt him.

“Why did he do that hyung? Why did he do that?” Changkyun asked, stuttering. His tears kept rolling down and Kihyun kept wiping them away. “He fucking cheated on me! He was my boyfriend. He was supposed to love me but he just…” Changkyun broke into another sob. “Why did he do that?”

Kihyun’s heart soared with the sight of crying Changkyun. He cupped the younger’s cheeks, brushed the tears away only for them to be replaced by new ones in a millisecond.

“I don’t know baby. I don’t why he did that.” Kihyun said with a soft tone.

“I gave him everything. I was there for him when he needed me. He was my first…” Changkyun loses the track of his voice and breaks into another sob. “Why hyung why??”

“Shhs… breathe.” Kihyun said hands going up and down, trying to soothe the younger and for a moment it worked. Changkyun stopped crying. He started gulping for air, but all he succeeded in doing was starting to heave, gasping panicked, quick breaths. No, no, no, hyperventilating was the opposite of what he needed. Kihyun hugged him then, trying to calm him down, whispering words to comfort the younger, pressing kisses to his hair, forehead, temple… with a small happiness mixed with guilt that don’t seem like for a friend to have.

\\*******/

“Have you guys seen Changkyun?” Kihyun asks the seventh person he come across that night. He tries to find the younger for the past twenty minutes but he can’t spot him anywhere. Kihyun was too caught up playing pubg with Jin, Yoongi’s friend, he didn’t realise he spent a lot of time. But maybe Yoongi deliberately made him play with Jin because Kihyun known to be a competitive person so Yoongi knew he would really wanted to beat the guy who is the best in the room.

“Nope dude sorry.” The orange haired boy replies, shaking his head and Kihyun mutters a thank you, thinking about asking another person. He walks towards the couple next the stairs who are kissing. ‘ _There are rooms for god’s sake._ ’, Kihyun thinks. He thinks about warning them but forgets about it when he sees Changkyun walking down hurrily.

“Hey Kyunnie where were you?” He calls out and walks to the younger. Changkyun looks at him surprised, like he didn’t expect to see Kihyun there. Kihyun thinks it’s weird when the younger flinches. He realises Changkyun’s hair is messier and his skin looks pale. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“You have?” Changkyun looks at him and eyes drop immediately, guilt etched into his features.

“Of course I did dummy.” Kihyun replies with a smile and reaches to fix the younger’s collar, it’s a bit crooked.

Changkyun flinches with his touch, very visibly, and shakes his head, trying to turn away.

Kihyun gives Changkyun a curious look. Something seems off. Changkyun really seems off. “Are you okay?” Kihyun asks, concerned.

“Yeah yeah.” The younger replies. “Can we go home?” He asks with a quiet voice.

Kihyun frowns. He can’t understand why Changkyun acts so edgy and weird but he is not gonna question it. If he wants to go then they are going. “Of course.” He says, holds his hand out and Changkyun looks at it for a moment before he grabs it.

The walk back home is quiet. Changkyun doesn’t say anything and Kihyun doesn’t say anything to break the silence.

When they are in the apartment “I’m gonna take a shower.” Changkyun says, not looking at Kihyun and let’s go Kihyun’s hand. Then Kihyun realizes that they were holding hands for the whole way.

“Me too.” Kihyun replies, clearing his throat.

“Meet you at your bed.” Changkyun says before he walks in his room and closes his door. Kihyun nods, even though he knows the younger won’t see. He don’t know why Changkyun acted so different and he wishes to talk with him before they sleep. Maybe going to party was too much for Changkyun, too early. He probably didn’t enjoy it and got bored when Kihyun wasn’t with him. If that’s the case Kihyun feels guilty for making him go somewhere he didn’t want to be.

Thinking about the possibilities, Kihyun quickly takes a shower and get dressed. When he is out of the bathroom, he finds the younger in his bed, already under covers. Changkyun looks at the ceiling with blank eyes, hands tucked under his head. He seems like he is thinking about something very focused.

“Hey.” says Kihyun quietly.

“Hey.” Changkyun responds, his eyes unreadable.

There’s a long pause, seems like neither of them know what to say. Kihyun eventually breaks the silence with the noises he makes as he lays next Changkyun. The bed cracks under him, sheets swoosh with his weight. The younger wraps his arms around his torso immediately when he lies flat. Kihyun throws his arms around the younger, pulling him to himself slightly. His heart pounds irregular and Kihyun thinks he won’t have a proper sleep like this again. Like the past sleepless seven night. He absent-mindedly brushes his hand on Changkyun’s nape and plays with his hair to help him relax, fall asleep faster. He had gone through so much this week and no matter how he looks better, Kihyun knows he is not. He wants to talk how Changkyun feels, maybe he feels better or worse and Kihyun wants to tell him that it’s gonna be okay because he is there for him but he can’t form words, not when his breath stops for a moment when Changkyun presses his lips under his chin. It’s so out of the blue, so unexpected so Kihyun freezes. It’s a small touch, very feathery. He wouldn’t even realise if he’d not be this alerted. It’s not uncommon for them to be like this to be honest because Changkyun loves to cling to him but this feels strange for some reason. Kihyun holds his breath for a few seconds, trying to let this feeling go like he always does. He also tries to memorize how it feels because he thinks this is a slip on his part and maybe a small mistake made by the younger and Kihyun won’t have something like this again.

“Hyung…” Changkyun says with a meowl. His voice is faint, weak. “Do you remember how we used to play chess?”

Kihyun nods, seems like his heart beats not turning to normal any time soon.

“I would be the king and you would be my knight in shining armor. Do you remember that?”

Kihyun gulps slowly. “Yes.” Replies in a whisper.

Changkyun brushes his nose under Kihyun’s jaw like a cat. It tickles. It’s nice. “I knew it, you know? I knew you’d give me the king because you didn’t want me to feel left out when you played with older kids. Because that’s how you are. You always shared everything you had with me. You were always so caring for me. Caring enough for me to misunderstand some of the things you do.” Changkyun says. “I think I see that now.”

Kihyun’s hand stops in the blonde locks. His hand brushing Changkyun’s elbow stops too.

“What…?”

Changkyun gets closer to him, as if that’s possible. “Do you remember one time I told you that I will marry you and you would be my queen so you won’t have to go in to battles? I will be fighting for you and I will keep you safe?”

Kihyun remembers that. Of course he remembers. They used to play at Kihyun’s house because Changkyun’s parents were working. They came home late usually so Kihyun was taking a trip to house next door every day, to Changkyun’s house for the first thing in the morning. He would take the boy to his own house, spending almost every hour with the little boy. Even though Kihyun was bigger and older than him, he never complained about playing with Changkyun. He always liked to spent time with him. Changkyun had chubby cheeks and arms, his body was so puffy, Kihyun adored him so much. He would pet the boy’s hair often, pinching his soft cheeks whenever his heart overflowed with adoration. That day they were playing a game with kids from their neighborhood. Chess, they were playing. Since Changkyun was so little to play a strategy game he couldn’t involve. So Kihyun gave him the king, saying he is precious and Kihyun will be his knight to protect him. He only had one goal, keeping Changkyun safe. The kids played and played and played but in the end Kihyun’s knight lost and he died in the game. Changkyun cried so much that day. He cried and cried, wiped his tears and continued to cry. Other kids got bored and left them alone but Kihyun hugged him, peppering him with kisses, tried to cheer him up, saying it’s just a game and he can win the next one, it’s okay. Changkyun stopped crying after a while, his tears turned into dry sniffing silently. He held Kihyun’s hand and looked into his eyes with shiny ones after twenty minutes of solid sobbing. “I will marry you. You will be my queen so you won’t have to fight for me. We can fight together. I will keep you safe.” Changkyun said with a determined voice, his eyes were keen, his lips was pursed yet his expression was so cute. Kihyun giggled at him saying he’s cute but he can defend himself just fine so Changkyun shouldn’t worry. Changkyun frowned, heart broken, got up to leave because Kihyun was teasing him but Kihyun stopped him, saying he will buy him ice cream.

Kihyun remembers that. He remembers the warm feeling he felt when Changkyun held his hand and said those words. But they were kids. And those were just a sad kid’s words.

It was a hurt Kihyun could fix with ice cream, on his side too.

Not like this one. The one he can’t control or make it go away.

“I do Changkyunie. I do but why did you ask?” Says Kihyun, managing to not reflect his nervousness to his voice.

“I wish you’d say yes back then hyung.” Changkyun says, nuzzling his nose to Kihyun’s neck. “I wish you would have done that.” He breathes out. “Maybe then I wouldn’t have to feel this much pain.” He says in whisper, voice is barely audible.

Kihyun lets out a breath and takes in a proper one, still feeling like his heart is under a big rock, pressing, aching. It hurts so much, sharply but he tightens his hold around the younger. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t think Changkyun expects an answer either so he continues to play with the hairs on the younger’s nape until he feels Changkyun’s breathing gets even.

He knows Changkyun’s heart is broken. He knows what he meant just now. He could protect Changkyun from getting hurt if he was a better friend. But that’s the thing right?

_‘Friend’_

Kihyun blinks his eyes, takes a deep breath and nuzzles his nose in Changkyun’s hair, knowing he is sleeping already. Kihyun stares at the imaginary line, their friendship line that he drew between them and it stands behind him. He crossed that on his own, long time ago. No matter how hard he tried to ignore, Kihyun knows this. But he couldn't help it even though it was too late. He still feels the consequences of crossing that line. Kihyun chose to ignore bubbling feelings deep in his heart for both of their sake. For their friendship’s sake. But at times like this he feels them, hidden from eyes, covered but still alive.

“I wish.” Kihyun whispers, giving an answer to the unasked question. Because he wishes many things now. He wishes he could realize some things sooner. He could do many things different. He could prevent Changkyun getting hurt this much. Kihyun wishes that now. More than anything. Even though he knows it’s late.

  
  



	2. Numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been months and I've tried to come up with the best way I can explain the story.  
> I hope you liked the first chapter and you will like this one  
> Thank you so much for kudos and comments!!  
> Please tell me what you think^^
> 
> Have fun!!!

The weather is very hot and the humid in the air feels like there is no room to breathe in the house. It’s like the summer came early, that kind of warm vibe is around. Changkyun specially feels like melting. It’s like he is a lemon flavored ice cream, melting and dripping each passing second and he is pretty sure if he won’t find a way to cool down, he is just gonna vaporize. So he contemplates what to do and decides to grab a coke from the fridge. He opens the bottle and drinks a huge amount from the sugary acid. He should stop drinking this, it’s really bad for his health but Changkyun can’t help it. It’s one of his bad habits, maybe the less harmful one or the most harmful one, depends on how you see it. It’s obvious that Kihyun doesn’t like it, Changkyun knows he doesn't like it. He's been trying to convince Changkyun to stop drinking this since their childhood but he couldn't. This could be the only thing that Kihyun couldn't manage to make Changkyun do. Kihyun throws a look at Changkyun when he sees the drink in his hand. Knowing that the elder is someone who tries to keep a healthy life, Changkyun doesn’t feel offended, he just shrugs with an innocent smile.

Changkyun flops on the bed, Kihyun’s bed, carefully not to spill the drink and watches Kihyun turn to to pick a shirt. He’s been doing this for the past twenty minutes and still, he couldn’t find anything to wear. Changkyun thinks it’s funny because Kihyun looks good in everything, why does he try so hard to find something? And this thought steals his interest so he just asks “Where are you going?”

“To a cafe near the library. I need to pick up some notes from a friend.” Kihyun replies, frowning to his cabinet like that will work.

“To cafe?” Changkyun repeats. “Why are you being so diligent about it though? Don’t tell me it’s a date or something?” Changkyun teases half-heartedly, thinking that it’s ridicilous but his heart drops to the floor when Kihyun throws him a smirk.

Suddenly the sugar taste turns dust in his mouth.

“What do you think? Black shirt or the orange one?” Kihyun says, turning to him with shirts in his hand.

“Orange.” Changkyun replies, looking away. “You’ll die in black. The weather is hot, black will emit the heat but orange will reflect it.”

“You’re right.” Kihyun agrees and wears the shirt on his blue jeans. He grabs his backpack from the floor before he turns to Changkyun who is glooming.

“Hey… Sorry for leaving you alone but I’ll be back as soon as I’m finished okay?” He says and Changkyun nods with a forceful smile. Kihyun smiles back before he leaves.

Changkyun watches Kihyun go with his heart breaking into god knows how many pieces. He closes his eyes, allows his frustration push through his eyes as tears. He feels awful. Changkyun just feels awful. He’s just laying there with a stupidly hurting heart meanwhile Kihyun is out there to meet god knows who.

He thinks about what Kihyun will do, who he is gonna meet with. Is it the girl from the upper class, the one he takes roma law with? Or is it the boy he met at the cafe near the school, the one who gave him a free cup along with a note his number written on. Maybe it’s Hyunwoo again. Changkyun doesn’t know, he doesn’t know. It can be anyone. Someone must have seen the beauty of him again and snatched him because Kihyun is just too perfect to go unnoticed. If you see him, you’ll fall for him. That’s it. It’s that simple. You can just fall for his wit, fall for his generosity, fall for his kindness, fall for his sweetness, fall for his handsome face, fall for his charming aura, fall for him. It’s so easy. Changkyun knows it’s easy, really easy to fall for Kihyun. He’s been there, he’s done that and he is in agony because of that.

Sometimes he pities himself for being this weak. He’s such a loser. It’s his own doing, following Kihyun around like a lost puppy all the time. But how can he not? How can he not when it’s Kihyun who’s with him since forever, always so kind and sweet to Changkyun, always there to back him up whenever he bumps into something. It’s Changkyun’s fault that at some point he’s confused by the affection he’s been receiving from the elder. It’s his fault for not stopping when he realized that his scale started to tip from friendship to love. No matter how awful it is, he knows it’s his fault.

But it’s not like he did it on purpose. Changkyun was terrified when he realized he loved Kihyun because he knew that meant heartbreak. Just like the one he is experiencing right now.

Changkyun knows he can’t be with the elder because he sees him as a kid to spoil, someone he should take care of just because he is younger and Changkyun really hates that. But there is nothing he can do about it. He can’t just go say _I’m in love with you for a long time, see me as a man_ because that can backfire and damage their relationship which it’s the last thing Changkyun ever wants because not having Kihyun by his side is worse than anything. He’s a coward. Changkyun knows that.

His phone buzzes and Changkyun mindlessly checks it. Johnny is texting him for the thirtieth time that day. There is that too. His heart is a mess because of this guy as well. Changkyun feels his heart tighten even with the mention of his name so he tries really hard to ignore him, not mention him but it's impossible to do that when Johnny keeps texing him everyday saying how sorry he is and he just wants to talk and he loves Changkyun. Also the fact that he is more persistent for the last couple of days because of their mistake five days ago, doesn't help at all.

 **Johnny[10:20am]** hey

 **Johnny [11:01pm]** kyun we need to talk

 **Johnny [2:37pm]** please answer me. Pick up or just reply back please.

 **Johnny [3:56pm]** i'm sorry

 **Johnny [3:56pm]** i’m really sorry i love you...

 **Johnny [4:09pm]** i love you...

Changkyun stares at his phone, looking over the messages as his eyes pricks with tears. He wants so badly to give in, so badly to take him back but he knows it'd happen again. He loved Johnny a lot, more than he can ever imagine, but he knew what kind of person he was. He will always be someone who crave attention and love from every single person he come into contact with. Nothing will be enough for him to satisfy. It’s a mistake if Changkyun falls back again, he knows that. Still, a part of him wants to do that because at least then he doesn’t have any room in his brain to think about other things. Things that he tries really hard to ignore.

Changkyun’s phone rings, tearing him apart from his stupid thoughts. He groans while he picks it up.

“Hey bro.” His hyung’s voice is energetic as always, it’s like magic and just by hearing it, Changkyun feels better.

“Hey hyung.” He sniffs. “What’s up?”

“Hey are you okay? Are you crying?” Minhyuk asks with a worried tone.

Changkyun wipes the tears with the back of his head and shakes his head. “No, I was just watching a sad movie.” He says.

“Oh, which one?”

“Titanic.” He lies.

“Without me?” He can hear Minhyuk pouting. “I’m offended.”

Changkyun let’s out a voice, something like a giggle attempt. “We’ve seen it like gazillion times hyung.”

“Still… Jack…” Minhyuk mimics Rose’s voice. “Nahh, Hyungwon is better at this.”

Changkyun giggles, real for this time. “I agree. Why did you call?”

“I was just checking you up. Wanna meet after my last period? I’m free after five pm.” Minhyuk suggests.

Changkyun let’s out a sigh, looking at the bottle in his hand. He just wants to throw it to the wall. He definetly doesn’t want to go out. He feels like all the power in his cells just left him. He just wants to sit and do nothing. But knowing Minhyuk, Changkyun just sighs because he will come over and grab Changkyun to make him go outside even if he is naked. Changkyun knows that because well... So he agrees to meet with him and hangs up the phone, getting up to pick something to wear. He grabs a blue shirt with black jeans. He takes one look at himself in the bathroom mirror, fixing his freshly dyed black hair and making sure he looked halfway decent. He thinks he could have looked better, but he could definitely look worse and he looked worse before so this is an improve.

Changkyun is at school by 4.30 pm. Living close to school has cons just like it has pros. So to pass time, he greets a few friends and after that he decides to wait at Minhyuk’s floor. Changkyun started to swing by school lately but sometimes he skips, coming back early to avoid Johnny. They didn’t come across since the incident and honestly Changkyun feels better each day. He knows it was a stupid act but Changkyun was hurt both by Johnny and Kihyun. He can’t say it was his best decision but there’s nothing he can do about it but to ignore. Even when Johnny keeps sending messages and calls him, Changkyun does his best to block him out.

Changkyun texts Minhyuk to let him know he arrived and waiting for him at the floor’s entrance just before someone just pulls him away.

“Shit… What—“

“Why don’t you answer my texts Kyun?”

“Damn it.” Changkyun lets out a huff and shrugs his arm to free from Johnny’s grip. Judging by the buckets and mops around, the other one must have pulled him in some broom closet. Changkyun’s insides turns and he really wishes to teleport right that moment. With a sigh he turns “Because I don’t wanna see you. Why don’t you get it?”

“You weren’t acting like it last time though.”

“Look that was a mistake. I really don’t wanna see you—“ He looks at the guy and stops. “You are wearing an orange shirt?” Changkyun looks at the guy across him in disbelief, evaluating the chance of the universe may try to pull a prank on him while ignoring the voices in him head that say he’s pathetic as he is. He doesn’t need them to point it out though, he knows he is pathetic.

“What?” Johnny grabs his jacket, confused, he checks his shirt. “I guess.”

“Are you kidding me?” Changlyun whispers to himself mostly, rolling his eyes in annoyance. “Take that off.” He says, pushing the guy away. Something piles up in him. He doesn’t wanna see that shirt. He doesn’t wanna see Johnny. He doesn’t wanna see anyone right now. He feels angry and frustrated. He feels hurt. That fucking orange shirt is like a combination of what he feels.

“Why?” Johnny tilts his head, lips hiding a smirk. “Seems like you’re kidding me because I thought you were just saying it was a mistake that we had an amazing sex and you don’t wanna see me but suddenly you’re telling me to take my shirt off.”

“It was a mistake, you asshole.” Changkyun says, remembering the pain he thought that was gone, the awful taste of betrayal, his heart starts to hurt. “And I didn’t mean it that way. I hate seeing that color right now.”

Johnny shakes his head. “You’re lying. You know that’s a lie. You know you miss me and I know you miss me.”

“I don’t.” Changkyun replies, trying to control the frustration in his voice. He sees Johnny reaching to him and by mistake he does what he try to avoid since their encounter and looks at him, into his eyes. Then he knows it’s over. Changkyun feels numb, his limbs feels powerless but somehow it still hurts. And he doesn’t want to feel anything. He feels something in his stomach pull him, mixing with confusion, anger and hurt as he allows Johnny to pull him against the wall and he realizes what he’s doing. He’s been slipping again. He knows he is and he wants to stop but his mind shortcuts when Johnny palms his front, sending shock waves to his spine.

Changkyun pulls the guy to himself then, grinding his body to the other one’s eagerly. Johnny fumbles with his flyer as he keeps moving his lips on Changkyun’s neck, sucking, kissing, biting. Changkyun feels a lot, he doesn’t want to feel a lot. He just wants to feel good, so he lets go.

\\*******/

Changkyun grabs his pants and pulls it up. He tries to get dressed as fast as he can but well, he feels wasted. He groans as he throws his shirt over his head, it takes a lot more energy than he assumes because his arms just hurt. Maybe because he was clutching Johnny’s shoulders too tight while he was trusting in a mind blowing way inside him.

“Did I hurt you?” Johnny asks when he hears Changkyun while he fix his shirt. “I’ll be more careful next time.” He comes closer, holding Changkyun’s shoulders in a soft way.

Changkyun spats his hands away in an instant.

“No. There won’t be a next time.”

“You said it last time too.” Johnny gets closer, softly combing Changkyun’s hair. It’s a heart melting gesture, Changkyun’s heart aches. But he can’t have this attitude. He just can’t.

Changkyun pushes the other one with all the will and power he can gather. “It’s over Johnny. We are over.” He says with a determined voice and grabs the door knob, getting out in a hurry. He runs after he is in the hall, runs as fast as he can, ignoring curious looks people throw at him and runs blindly. He stops after the air in his lungs doesn’t seem enough and throws himself on a bench, his heart burning inside his chest. His hands shake as he pulls out his phone to reply his buzzing phone.

“Hyung I wanna drink.” Changkyun says the first thing before even greeting.

“Where are—What?” Minhyuk asks, confused.

“I wanna drink. Let’s go drinking please. I don’t feel so well.” Changkyun whispers out. He hears some rustle from the other side of the line.

“Are you okay?” Minhyuk asks worriedly. “You don’t sound okay.”

“No.” Changkyun simply replies.

“Where are you?”

“Sitting on some bench by the engineering buildings.”

“Okay, I’m coming. Just wait for me there.”

“Okay.”

Changkyun hangs up the phone, hands still shaking. He tries to take a few breathe in to calm himself but his stomach turns when he sees his new lockscreen. Kihyun had insisted on changing it when he caught Changkyun staring at the old picture of him and Johnny. Kihyun stole Changkyun’s phone and proceeded to take photos of him and the younger boy until he felt he took the perfect one. After he edited it to his liking, he set it as the lockscreen and handed it back to Changkyun proudly. Changkyun was always glad to see his pretty face when he opened his phone because truthfully, Changkyun likes Kihyun’s cresent eye smile more than Johnny’s cheating face. It’s more attractive. But now, he feels awful. Kihyun looks like he is judging Changkyun, judging him for being so petty and condemning him for acting so irresponsible and reckless.

It's stupid to think like that Changkyun knows that but still he cat help it. So he throws his phone in his pocket, trying to calm himself down until Minhyuk arrives.

\\*******/

_The door did burst open and Changkyun tumbled in, face flushed with what appears to be the after effects of alcohol. He's giggling wildly to himself and Kihyun startled at his grand entrance, nearly falling off the couch. It's way too late for him to be up, but the last time Kihyun fell asleep while Changkyun was out, Changkyun had to spend the night on a bench accross the town because he lost his wallet after he left the party and couldn’t go back home. This was before the days of Uber, so Changkyun had nobody to call and slept on bench overnight. Kihyun had felt incredibly guilty, and since then, he didn’t like falling asleep until Changkyun got home. His father said that Kihyun inherited this anxiety from his mother. But Kihyun has never really thought of himself as an anxious person._

_Changkyun’s eyes went wide when he saw Kihyun sitting on the couch in their living room. “You're still awake?” He hissed loudly, clearly not sober. “Don't you have cases to solve tomorrow? I object your honor!”_

_Kihyun chuckled. “Couldn't sleep.” He sit up, fixing his ruffled hair._

_“I’m sorry for leaving you alone to do your cases and then come back like this. I could help you.”_

_Kihyun shook his head. “We both know Jin hyung would kick your ass if you’d turn his beerpong challenge.”_

_Changkyun nodded like a puppy. “He totally would.”_

_Kihyun smiled softly to his goofiness. “Besides you don’t have to worry, Hyunwoo hyung was keeping me company.”_

_“Hyunwoo hyung?”_

_“Hi Kyun.” Changkyun heard another voice and blinked towards the other figure who was sitting on the couch. Changkyun did stand still for a moment and then swayed as if he’s about to fall over. Kihyun stumbled forward to catch him. They ended up crashing onto the carpet in a painful, messy pile. Kihyun groaned._

_“You guys okay?” Hyunwoo called out with a worried tone._

_“Yeah yeah.” Kihyun replied, waving his hand. “Come on Kyun, get up.”_

_Changkyun sighed and wrapped his arms around Kihyun’s waist, head falling onto his chest. He’s typically this cuddly when he's drunk. Sometimes he even goes as far as to wake up Kihyun when he comes home drunk just so that he has someone to cuddle with. Kihyun never said no so Changkyun never paid attention to it._

_“I think I’m in love.” Changkyun blurted out into Kihyun’s shirt. Kihyun rolled his eyes._

_“You said that two weeks ago to a popcorn machine.”_

_“It was so cute and it was a love at first sight okay?” Changkyun pouted. “This time I mean it.”_

_“Oh yeah?”_

_Kihyun felt Changkyun swallow. “He asked me out during pong game thing beer.”_

_“Oh.” Kihyun replied, finally letting his hands fall onto Changkyun’s waist. No use trying to lift him off right now. “What did you say?”_

_“We went to a club.” Changkyun said, completely ignoring Kihyun’s question. “We wen’ to a club n’ danced n’ shit. Then he kissed me first. Like, he did the firt...firs’ move…” A confused pause. “Made the first move. I guess I’m officially off the market.”_

_"Wait." Kihyun stopped hım. "He kissed you?"_

_Changkyun nodded like puppy._

_And for some reason Kihyun didn't like what he hear. He didn't like at all._

_But he didn't comment on it, instead Kihyun nodded slowly. “Sounds great.” He replied. Changkyun whined into his chest._

_“He’s amazing. Reaaaaalllllly hot. Our kids are gonna be so great.”_

_“I think it’s time for you to sleep.” Kihyun rolled his eyes._

_Changkyun lifted his head up, looking at Kihyun with doopy eyes. “You are a very wise person hyung. I mean it. How did you guess that I was sleepy?”_

_“Oh God I can’t watch this. I’ll give you a hand.” Hyunwoo came and lifted Changkyun up from Kihyun like he’s a piece of paper._

_“I need to wash my face.”_

_“I think you should just get in bed.” Hyunwoo replied._

_“Mmkay.” They made it to Changkyun’s room and he flopped noisily onto the bed. Kihyun sighed, fixing his shirt that Changkyun almost tugged off. Hyunwoo left as Kihyun stayed to make sure Changkyun changed his clothes before he burrowed himself into his covers, smushing his face into the pillow._

_“Goodnight, Changkyun.”_

_“Mmm. You leavin’ me?” Changkyun murmured, making grabby hands._

_Kihyun smiled, sitting next to door and let Changkyun grab his hand. “It’s three in the morning and I have a deadline—“_

_“Is it because I said he’s hot?”_

_Kihyun stopped for a moment before he laughed. “What? No.”_

_“Because that’s stupid hyung. Everyone knows you are hotter. You are the hottest. At least for me.”_

_Kihyun’s heart stopped for a moment, eyes training on Changkyun. “What?”_

_“You’re always my favorite hyung.” Changkyun said, eyes closing. “No one is on your level and no one ever will be.”_

_“Kyun—“_

_“Hey is he sleeping?” Hyunwoo called from the door and Kihyun looked at him, nodding as his heart panged weirdly._

_“Let’s get inside. We have a lot to do.” Hyunwoo grabbed Kihyun’s hand and pulled him to the sofa._

_That’s when something for Kihyun started to feel different._

\\*******/

“Where were you?” Is the first thing Changkyun hears when he steps into the flat and with that, all the numbness he’s been feeling for hours disappears. Worried Kihyun greets him, wearing a simple shirt and short with a messy hair and still manages to look great. Changkyun’s heart hurts a lot, so he looks away. He can’t find anything to say to Kihyun, he really has no explanation for disappearing. “At a friend.” He lies. It’s not completely a lie, he tries to tempt himself, they were friends before after all.

“For hours?” Kihyun frowns.

“I didn’t realize the time.” Changkyun says, shame eats him slowly.

“You should have told me. The dinner is cold.” Kihyun scolds him softly but not in a mean way. He never does anything mean.

Changkyun’s heart squeezes with guilt when he takes a glance and sees the plates on the table. “Sorry.” He mutters as he takes off his shoes. That’s all he can say. He’s sorry.

Kihyun eyes him carefully. “Are you okay?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay? You don’t seem okay.”

Changkyun shakes his head with a smile. He hopes it’s convincing enough. “I’m just tired.” He replies.

“Did you drink?” Kihyun asks.

“Yeah with Minhyuk hyung.” Changkyun clears his throat. “Jooheon hyung is home?”

“He’s at Gunhee, they are working on a project.”

“Okay.” Changkyun replies, getting inside. “How was your date?”

Kihyun looks at him with a frown like he doesn’t expect him to ask that. “It was okay.”

“Oh, great.” Changkyun’s smile falters slightly but it doesn’t go unnoticed by Kihyun. He opens his mouth to say something but Changkyun cuts him off. “Sorry for waiting you but I’m not hungry hyung.” He says with a growling stomach and a heart full of guilt mixed with pain. “I’ll just take a shower and sleep hyung, you eat.”

“Changkyun—“ Kihyun starts but Changkyun ignores. He just passes him, entering the bathroom.

Changkyun locks the door and takes a deep breath before he peels off his clothes. He can see the bruises and marks on his body, teeth marks on his thighs, finger shaped bruises on his hip bones and pink stupid shapes all over his chest. He quickly steps under the hot water and ignore the hurt all over him but he can’t ignore his hurting heart. No matter what he does, it just beats inside his chest, reminding him that it’s there.

“I’m really fucked up.” Changkyun mutters to himself, tears brimming in his eyes. That black void he’s been feeling for sometime is in there, on the core of his heart and with guilt, it eats him alive. Changkyun doesn’t know, he doesn’t know what he is doing. He only knows he is fucked up. In many ways. He wants to stop, stop what he’s doing and just go hug Kihyun without feeling like he is an awful being that he is. He wants to go back and be with Johnny and forget everything. He’s a mess. If he could, he’d just disappear with bubbles. But he knows he can’t and he has to get out of here soon yet he tries to take his time to balance his feelings so he slowly washes himself, let everything go down with the water until he feels like he can go out and his tears stop.

Changkyun peaks out of the door and goes directly to his room without glancing at living room and picks a shirt and a short to wear. He looks at his bed, one that he hasn’t been sleeping in for weeks and contemplates if he should just stay here tonight. He doesn’t think he deserves to sleep next to Kihyun but selfishly he wants that. He wants to touch the elder, breathe in his scent and see his smile, listen his soft breathings before falling asleep.

It’s selfish right?

It’s really selfish.

But still, Changkyun goes out, finds the room and throws himself to the small bed, getting comfy under covers with a heavy heart.

\\*******/

Changkyun pulls Johnny to himself, grinding his body to the other one’s eagerly. Johnny fumbles with his flyer as he keeps moving his lips on Changkyun’s neck. Johnny came to drop his stuff to his apartment and no one was at home, after five minutes, Changkyun just found himself pressed to his bed mattress by his ex-boyfriend. Maybe it was Changkyun's own misery, maybe the desperate need to be touched again, to be loved again, to be _needed_ again, but he's clinging onto Johnny in a heated kiss. His hands are sliding in Johnny's sweater, feeling up the warm skin as he presses against the other. He wants him to feel every ounce of pain he's been feeling. He wants him to suffer just as Changkyun himself was suffering. He wants to rip his heart out and hurt him. He grabs Johnny's shoulders tightly, digging his nails in enough to hurt.

“Changkyun I’m—“ The door opens and every feeling that was brewing in Changkyun’s stomach, turns to ash. His heart starts to pound in his chest as an agonizing feeling sits on it. His eyes lock on Kihyun’s shocked ones. Kihyun who stands there with one hand on the door knob while he holds ice americanos in the other one. Kihyun who looks like this is the worst scene he ever saw in his life. Kihyun who looks so disappointed.

A Kihyun Changkyun never wanted to see.

“Get off of me.” Changkyun says to Johnny, his voice coming out so small but he knows Johnny heard him when the other one swallows barely, blinking his eyes as he retreats to sit on his heels.

"JOHNNY!" Kihyun storms in after shrugging off the shock, grabbing the guy’s arm. "Johnny I swear I will fucking—“

"Hyung," Changkyun growls, trying to sit up, trying to cover himself, trying to do something.

"Did he try to force himself to you?" Kihyun spits. "As if what he did wasn’t enough-"

"Hyung," Changkyun says, grabbing Kihyun’s hand. “I wanted. I wanted too. He didn’t force me.”

"What the fuck?!" Kihyun angrily exclaims, his eyes go huge. "What the fuck do you think you’re doing? You’re just gonna forget everything he put you through?”

“You put him through a lot more than I do so I don’t think you have any saying in this.” Johnny yankes Kihyun’s hand from his shoulder.

“Shut up.” Changkyun glares at the guy meanwhile Kihyun throws him confused looks.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Nothing hyung—“

“Don’t fucking try to bullshit me and say you didn’t know he’s damn in love with you since god knows when. Maybe forever. Why do yo think you and I could never get along ha?” Johnny says, throwing his shirt on.

Kihyun turns to Changkyun with shock. “What? What is he talking about?”

Changkyun looks at him, feeling dizzy, feeling like he is gonna throw up.

“You know what I’m talking about.” Johnny scoffs.

“Get the fuck out of here.” Changkyun grits out, pushing Johnny harshly. “Get the fuck out of this house and never come back!”

“I—“

“GET OUT!” Changkyun yells and that seems to do the trick because Johnny leaves after throwing him a glare.

Changkyun pulls his pant’s zipper up but feels his arms go limp as he tries to do that. He grabs the shirt he doesn’t remember when he took off and pulls it over his head.

He knows Kihyun, who’s been silent for the past ten minutes is watching him but Changkyun is too scared to look at him right now.

“Changkyun.” Kihyun says with a cold tone. The coldest tone Changkyun ever heard from him and it stings in his heart. His body starts to shake. “What did he mean?”

“Nothing hyung he just—“

“Changkyun.” Kihyun grabs his arm. “What did he mean? You love me?”

Changkyun swallows, not knowing what to do.

“Answer me Changkyun.” Kihyun demands.

“Yes.” Changkyun replies, word slipping out of his lips easily and he’s terrified when he realizes what he did. Kihyun looks at him with huge eyes, with an openly shocked expression.

Changkyun’s head starts to swim, everything feels too much. His heart is hurting, his body is aching, his mind is melting. He feels too much. He feels too much of the feelings he doesn’t want to feel. He fucked up. He ruined everything, he knows he ruined everything. He shouldn’t have say anything. Damn it. He ruined their friendship.

“No… No I can’t just do this. Fuck.” Changkyun says pushing Kihyun away and stumbling out of his room.

Changkyun goes to the door.

“I can’t do this now. I’m… No. I can’t. I can’t do this. I’m sorry hyung. I’m really sorry.” He puts his shoes on in a rush and without looking back he hurries down from the stairs. He feels like crying, the ashy feeling on his tongue is so damn bitter.

Without thinking, he runs away.

After all that’s what he knows how to do best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think^^
> 
> One last chapter to go and yeah the theme will be confrontation, we will see how that's gonna go~~

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think?~~~  
> By the way I love Johnny with the bottom of my heart and I really wanted to add him into the story and I really wanted to see him in a bad boy light so I hope you liked it as well.  
> Tell me what you think^^


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